By: Adrianne Martin, MSW, LCSW
5/9/19 @ 3:00pm
I have yet to watch the Ayesha Curry video, and have seen countless “opinions” on what she has said. What is most terrifying to me is that she is being bashed for having an honest feeling about her identity. In the world of therapy, I see how invalidation can destroy a person’s self-worth and self-esteem. These are from clients who live their lives outside of the public eye. They have so much fear in expressing themselves because they are afraid of what they will hear when they experience that emotion.
There are so many people saying that Ayesha SHOULD be secure because of WHO she is married to and HOW he is to her (from the public eye because none of us are in their home to confirm these thoughts). The problem is, we are relating her identity to HER HUSBAND, and she is apparently not allowed to feel a true emotion about feeling insecure in her role as a WOMAN.
As a woman, she wears many hats, and it appears that WIFE TO STEPH CURRY is the main one that she is viewed as. Oh sure, she is a mother with three children and a chef with national recognition (or international…to be honest, outside of random viewings of her family life through her Instagram, I don’t keep up with her); but that’s not what people are concerned about.
I read in someone’s post that Ayesha is looking for attention from men. *Cue the social media trolls* This evidently means that she wants men in her inbox so that she can cheat on her husband (according to the posts that I have read). Ayesha should be GRATEFUL that she has a man faithful to her that is making money and on his way to being an NBA hall-of-famer (no quotations because I’m typing it as I recall seeing it, not word for word). Because of all of this…Ayesha is not allowed to have feelings of insecurity.
How sad that we jump to attack this WOMAN for feeling like she is not seen outside of her title as Steph Curry’s wife.
Ayesha has spent her whole adulthood in the shadow of her husband. *cue trolls* “But, yeah, she made that choice! She knew what she was getting into!”
Ayesha made decisions as a young lady that fell in love with her high school sweetheart. Did she know that he was going to be an NBA All-Star? Probably, but no Magic 8-ball can predict the fame and success that he has been blessed (cursed?) with. At the age that they started their relationship, neither of their brains were even fully developed to understand what adulthood looked like, and they have had the opportunity for great success at young ages. Does this mean that she should just grin and bear it and be happy with what she gets? Does she not deserve to have an identity outside of her husband?
I’ve had a lot of “thoughts” based on what I’ve read, so now it’s time to watch the video.
5/19/19 @ 3:37pm
I’m pausing the video so I can focus on what was just said.
What I saw in Ayesha’s face and heard in her words was: “Am I enough?”
Sometimes, that thought lingers in our face and turns into: “I’m not enough.”
Yes, it felt good for Steph’s mom to see women throwing themselves at her husband, because she felt secure with her decision for herself: “yeah, I chose well.” Ayesha is seeing women throw themselves at her husband and she is validated in the fact that she chose her husband well. She is not saying that she is unhappy with her marriage. She is saying that she is not validated in her securities that Steph chose her well, as there are not people vying for her attention. Ayesha did NOT say that she WANTS men to hop in her DM because she wants to CHEAT. She simply wants to be reassured in knowing that she is deserving of Steph.
They met when Steph was 15 years old. How many people can say at their adult age that they met the person they wanted to be with for the rest of their lives in high school, and that was the only person that they have been with (faithfully) and want to be with for the rest of their lives? Even Steph’s mom was saying that she was always rebelling in her marriage to prove herself worthy: financially independent. Ayesha is saying that she wants to feel seen. Hell…she’s had 3 kids…I can only imagine what insecurities I might feel after being stretched out 3 different times (I keep relating it to having children because post-partum can do a number on a woman’s psyche, as pregnancy does a number on their body). To know that other men find her attractive helps her to feel secure in her relationship with Steph; that he’s not just loving on her because he feels obligated to because they’re married and she’s the mother of his child. She would feel secure in knowing that she is a desirable woman.
She said: I’m jealous. An emotion that means that she wants what she sees other people have. Steph gets attention and she has to make sure that he (or the groupie) is staying in check. How does it feel to be the only person in the relationship that is swatting groupies away like flies? To be honest…I wouldn’t know. I’ve never dated, let alone married, a star NBA player that has women flocking to get him a tissue every time he sneezes.
She is carrying this huge dialectic internally: I want to be seen as an attractive woman by men in the same way my husband is seen as an attractive man by women AND I want my husband and don’t care for that attention from other men.
Does this mean she doesn’t love her husband or wish to be with him for the rest of her life? No.
We have got to stop looking at the world as black and white and chastising people for having feelings. I stand with Ayesha. She is looking to feel validated as a woman…not just Steph’s wife.
Ayesha, girl! You can either come to my fitness studio where the instructors and members will make you feel your divine, feminine powers…or you can come sit on my couch any day. It’s time that you feel heard AND seen.